Bringing Vulnerability to the Dinner Table This Holiday Season

1. Embracing Vulnerability during the Holidays

Here we are again, surrounded by familiar faces who know us better than we sometimes wish – or perhaps don’t know us at all, if we’re honest. How often do we put up a front, avoiding the truly important moments, and hold back what we really want to say?

The holiday season is a time to share love, stories, and yes, sometimes it requires a good dose of self-control. Many of us present a carefully polished version of ourselves, like our best holiday attire. But what if we served up something different at this table – a little bit of vulnerable honesty?

Vulnerability – sounds risky, doesn’t it? Like an invitation to bare your heart on a paper plate. In truth, vulnerability is more a strength than a weakness — it’s an invitation for connection. It lets us remove the masks we wear to feel safe, inviting others to do the same and open the door for meaningful conversation.

Why especially during the holidays? Because holidays bring people together, offering a chance to connect deeply. It’s a time for embracing not only our own shared thoughts, emotions, and efforts but also the quirks, stories, and even the weaknesses of those around us. Vulnerability is the key to making this connection deeper and more genuine – it’s the secret ingredient to a meaningful holiday season.

The question remains: What would happen if we dared to add this ingredient? If we stepped out of our comfort zone, could we, at the end of the evening, leave with not a polished image of ourselves but a real sense of closeness?

2. The Science of Vulnerability in Positive Psychology

It may come as a surprise, but scientists and therapists agree: Vulnerability has a unique power to strengthen bonds. In Positive Psychology, vulnerability is closely linked to trust, empathy, and lasting relationships. As Brené Brown puts it, “Vulnerability is not a choice; it’s a necessity if we want to experience the full potential of human relationships.”

A study by Rabung & Schlarb (2012) shows that people willing to reveal their true emotions experience greater well-being. Vulnerability is like an invitation: “Here I am, with all my rough edges. I trust you enough to show you who I really am.”

Interestingly, vulnerability not only strengthens relationships with others but also improves our relationship with ourselves. Each time we show vulnerability, we train an emotional muscle. At first, it may feel uncomfortable, but over time, we grow stronger and more resilient.

Positive psychology teaches that self-compassion and authenticity are foundations of vulnerability. Meeting ourselves with kindness helps us reveal our humanity to others. Self-compassion is like an internal anchor, reminding us it’s okay to be imperfect.

3. Practical Tips for Embracing Vulnerability

The holidays challenge us – times when expectation fills the air, and we feel the need to keep harmony. But how often do we avoid closeness by sticking to surface-level talk? What if we did things a little differently this year, finding ways to be vulnerable and create real connection?

Tip 1: Listen – and Hear What’s Unspoken

Listening isn’t just staying quiet; it means showing real curiosity about the other person’s experiences. To do this:

• Follow up with, “How did you get through it?” or “What has helped you along the way?” if someone hints at a tough year.
• Offer an empathic response like, “That sounds challenging – how are you feeling about it now?”
• Validate by saying, “That makes so much sense,” to show you’re truly engaged.

Tip 2: Share Your Own Uncertainties

Being open about your own uncertainties can create a safe space for others. Here’s how:

• Start small with a statement like, “I’ve been feeling a bit off track lately,” to ease into vulnerability.
• Ask for consent to share by saying, “I want to share something that has been weighing on me. Is that okay with you guys?”
• Avoid solutions and simply share how you’re feeling: “I don’t have the answers yet and don’t really need any solutions at this point, but I appreciate being able to talk about it.”

Tip 3: Set Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries allow us to stay authentic without overexposing ourselves. To set them:

• Respectfully decline to go deeper when needed: “I’d rather discuss this another time.”
• If a conversation becomes too much, take a pause with, “I need a moment to think.”
• Be open but selective, sharing only what feels (a bit un)comfortable: “I want to share something, but it’s important I keep some details private.”

Tip 4: Show Gratitude That Resonates

Expressing specific, heartfelt gratitude can be a way of opening up. Here’s how to do it meaningfully:

• Be specific: “I really appreciate that you always bring us together – it means a lot to me.”
• Share how someone’s actions affect you personally, e.g., “Being here makes me feel at home.”
• Take a small, brave step by expressing something you may not usually say: “I value your friendship more than I probably say. I want you to know that you mean a lot to me.”

4. Extending Vulnerability Beyond the Holiday Season

Now that the holidays have passed and you were able to experience the power of vulnerability at the dinner table, how can you carry that forward into the new year and beyond?

Living Vulnerability in Everyday Life

Imagine carrying holiday openness into daily life. What if we let go of our usual roles – the endlessly capable friend, the perfect coworker? What would happen if, in a moment of honesty, we said, “I feel uncertain about this”? We might invite something real and unexpected into our lives.

Creating a Culture of Vulnerability

Life is a dialogue between our masked selves and our raw, sometimes chaotic selves. Each time we reveal our authentic side, we encourage others to do the same. Vulnerability creates an echo, inviting others to let down their walls, too.

Investing in Lasting Closeness

Vulnerability is an investment in people who journey with us. Each time we show a bit of our imperfect self, we lay a foundation for lasting closeness. Bonds built on these brave moments weather storms because they’re based on truth. Vulnerability is a trust account we can draw on, knowing the person across from us is real – and still here.

Outlook

What if we kept hold of this gentle holiday wisdom – that openness leads to closeness, and vulnerability is not a risk but a chance? Vulnerability, this gift of revealing ourselves, could become a quiet companion throughout the year, an inner compass that reminds us: The true beauty and depth of life lies not in a perfect image, but in the closeness that arises when we truly see one another.

Additional Resources and Further Reading

Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.
This book explores vulnerability as the key to true courage, showing how embracing uncertainty can bring profound positive changes to our lives.

Cacioppo, J. T., & Patrick, W. (2008). Loneliness: Human nature and the need for social connection. W. W. Norton & Company.
In this fascinating work, the authors examine the profound effects of loneliness on our physical and mental health. They argue that our ability to show vulnerability and form genuine connections is essential to our well-being. The book provides scientific insights and practical advice on how to strengthen our social bonds.

Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.
Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in self-compassion research, discusses how developing a kinder relationship with ourselves can enhance our emotional resilience. She argues that self-compassion allows us to embrace our vulnerabilities, leading to a more fulfilling and resilient life.

Rabung, S., & Schlarb, A. (2012). Emotional intelligence as a predictor of academic performance in first-year accelerated graduate entry nursing students. Journal of Clinical Nursing, 21(23-24), 3485-3492.
This study examines the link between self-disclosure, social support, and mental well-being, highlighting how vulnerability can positively impact our emotional and social health.

Victor, S. E., & Klonsky, E. D. (2019). Assessment of self-disclosure and perceived support: Examining the impact on mental well-being. Clinical Psychology Review, 73, 101-111.
A detailed exploration of the role of self-disclosure and support in relationships, examining their significance for mental well-being.

Yalom, I. D. (1989). Love's executioner and other tales of psychotherapy. Basic Books.
Yalom’s classic reveals how vulnerability within the therapeutic relationship can lead to healing and profound human connections. Inspiring for readers interested in understanding human nature and the importance of genuine bonds.

Yalom, I. D. (2002). The gift of therapy: An open letter to a new generation of therapists and their patients. HarperCollins.
In this book, renowned psychiatrist and psychotherapist Irvin D. Yalom offers deep insights into the therapeutic relationship and the importance of vulnerability for both therapists and patients. Yalom emphasizes the value of authenticity and the willingness to show vulnerability to enable true connection and healing.